30 Ways To Offend Your Toddler


After years of triggering tantrums from doing just about nothing, I’ve finally realized that toddlers are probably the most easily offended people on the planet. The general rule of thumb is to stay away controversial topics like religion and politics. To avoid offending toddlers, you have to stay away from a much broader spectrum of subjects: food, weather, clothing, books, colors, animals, physical activity, rules to games, how they are feeling. You are never safe. Consider yourself warned.

You may offend a toddler if you:

1) Present them with merely one option at meal time.
2) Ask them to wash dirt off their hands.
3) Not know the exact lyrics to every nursery rhyme ever created.
4) Look at them.
5) Don’t look at them.
6) Ask them to wipe their nose with a tissue rather than your sleeve.
7) Tell them they are not allowed to play with knives.
8) Limit them to taking less than five stuffed animals in the car.
9) Imply that a nap would make them less cranky.
10) Not recognize that the yellow and black crayon marks were actually a picture of a cloud.
11) Suggest that they might be using too much glitter.
12) Decline their “help” folding clothes.
13) Mention that bedtime is sometime in the near future.
14) Refer to a Disney or Nick Jr. character by the wrong name.
15) Not know the rules to a game they just made up.
16) Call them by their name when they clearly stated that they were being a dog that day.
17) Blink while they’re showing you something.
18) Yawn in their presence.
19) Not lap loud enough after they poop.
20) Give them water that is “too wet”.
21) Pick up food that they threw on the floor.
22) Insist they wear clean underwear.
23) Tell them not to lick the floor.
24) Give the “wrong” graham cracker at snack time.
25) Refuse to let them pull down your shirt in a crowded store.
26) Tell them they can’t wear the Newborn Onesie they found in the back of the closet.
27) Not let them eat Styrofoam.
28) Refuse to let them fart on your arm.
29) Be unable to make the sunless bright.
30) Smile at them when they are not in the mood to smile.

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