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Category: funny

Why My House?

Why is it every kid in the neighborhood has to play at my house?

As I sit at my computer trying to focus, all I hear is the neighbor girl’s blood-curdling screams of joy while she chases my boys for a kiss or a touch. Go home. Better yet, go home forever and never come back.

I would say this to her but I don’t want to be responsible for her outpatient therapy in the future. I’ve told them all to play in the cul-de-sac or at her house but I’m pretty sure my kids are not allowed in her yard. Then again… they don’t WANT to play in her yard. She has a dog. I have sons and they are afraid of dogs. What did I eat while I was pregnant?

I don’t think other parents are dumb enough to let this go on every day.

Are we the fun parents on

Lost the Battle, Not the War!

There I am. Standing in the budget section of the grocery store. Arms piled high in frozen dinners I’ll be lucky enough to enjoy, let alone cook, the remainder of the week. I’ve missed at least two shifts in two days of my two part time jobs, and these are the groceries this week. The

Poop Happens

I remember that night last October better than I recall what I had for lunch yesterday. I learned an invaluable lesson in mommyhood. If you are crouched next to the shower spraying poop off of your daughter’s behind, you should be mindful of where you rest your arm. Because if you accidentally lean into the

The Real Developmental Milestones of a Toddler

Wondering if your child is keeping up with her peers? This simple assessment test will help you determine if your toddler is hitting all the appropriate developmental milestones, including wrecking mayhem.

Gross Motor Skills

Does your child:
a. Pull self up to stand
b. Pull self up to stand using sibling’s hair

Does your child:
a. Squat to pick up a toy
b. Squat to pick up dog poop

Does your child:
a. Walk independently
b. Walk independently into the middle of the street

Does your child:
a. Climb onto and down from couch or chair unsupported
b. Climb onto and down from a bookcase unsupported

Fine Motor Skills

Does your child:
a. Pick up a Cheerio with thumb/index finger
b. Pick up a Cheerio with thumb/index finger and shove it up his nose

Does your child:
a. Scribble spontaneously
b. Scribble spontaneously on floor with permanent marker

Does your child:
a. Stack four or more blocks
b. Stack four or more blocks wherever you are most likely to trip on them

Does your

Picking Carrots

Clear or Transparent

If I have to go to Walgreen’s one more time to buy tape I’ll strangle myself. I would strangle the kids but I’m not sure I have time to go to prison. I say the kids, because it’s they who steal my tape.

They tape everything. It’s on my new carpet, toothpicks, and all the army men. What the tape is supposed to do is beyond me. But okay. If they like it so much, I’ll just throw a couple of rolls into their Christmas stockings this year. Santa gives tape right?

While I’m at it, I’ll stop over to McDonald’s and speak to the manager about putting tape into the Happy Meals instead of useless, boring toys.

I’ve tried to hide the rolls of tape. The kids know every single one of my hiding spots though, so forget that. I need a high place, a high shelf that even they can’t reach. Wait a second… I can’t reach the LOW shelves either

How David Cassidy Influenced My Children’s Bilingual Education

https://www.flickr.com/photos/robphoto/2604969633/in/photolist

When I was in Junior High I read Tiger Beat (think People Magazine for 12-year-olds) cover to cover, going over the David Cassidy features at least three times before flipping through the rest.

I remember one article, though, about Jodie  Foster. It said she went to a school where they spoke only French. All reading assignments, testing, lunchtime conversation, etc. were in a foreign language.

Having taken a year or so of French—45 minutes every other day—I did not  believe this was possible. I assumed the story was as realistic as my shot at winning the Tiger Beat Dream Date with David Cassidy.

Actually, at 12, I likely thought I had a better chance of a date with David then Jodie did of speaking French all day, every day.

 When our oldest was getting ready for elementary school, I was surprised one of  our options was a Spanish Immersion program. All day,

The Main Attraction – A Twins Story

 

During the shock of finding out I was going to be a father of multiples, I didn’t realize that my wife was also giving birth to the hottest attractions for the casual passerby to “ohhh” and “ahhh” at.

In fact, when in public, the only people who don’t seem to acknowledge our existence are the other families with twins. Surprise, right?

Maybe after wading through countless people asking, “Twins?” we don’t have the energy to jump in the air and shout “Twin life!” while hitting a mid-air high five. No, usually our eyes stay averted, gifting each other with a moment of tranquility that is quickly interrupted by the next couple seeing twins for what must be the first time, ever.

My kids are more interesting to look at than exotic aquatic life.

It wasn’t just the stingrays that day. The penguins lost too. As did the beluga whale. And the seals. Even the

Twin Tube

Twin picture

Not So Much with the Easter Bunny

Easter Bunny Fear

Lessons I’ve Learned from Parenthood

Parenting Lessons

Who said being a parent is easy? No one, but then no one tells you it’s NOT easy either. Until after you’ve given birth. Then advice finds you quicker than you can say “Cesarean Section.”

Other parents forget to tell you their knowledge comes from the trial-and-error of raising their own offspring. In the early days I continued under the false impression that bringing up a child would be a doddle. Several years later, I’m here to report a few of the Lessons I’ve Learned from Parenthood:

 
Lesson One: The first five years are the best (excluding the sleepless nights). I’ve never felt more pride than when my bundle of joy smiled his first smile, took his first steps and said his first word that I had been longing to hear… “Dad, Dad, Dad.”

Still, there are things that make you smile, like fishing the car keys out of the trash bin or saving

Parenting Confession: Budgie Has Left the Building

kid-pet problems

Parenting Confession #1:

Two years ago I accidentally let my daughter’s new budgie bird escape out the window (and presumably into the jaws of a nearby cat). Yeah, not my best day.

She was beside herself with distress. So I came up with a Plan. I spent hours making panicked phone calls to every budgie breeder in the area, then told her that her budgie had been found and I was going out to pick it up.

I made my husband, her sister and all my friends swear blind that the budgie I returned with (bigger, with totally different feather patterns) was definitely 100% hers.

I explained to her that the Budgie Catcher Man had caught it by driving his special Budgie Catching Van (complete with radar and budgie tracking equipment). And that its feathering had changed because it must have lost some by getting caught in hedges. And that the feathers that had

Just Hanging Around

The Parent’s Resume

Whether we work outside the home or stay at home, parenting uses every ounce of physical, emotional and verbal skill we possess. The job is huge.

So if we were hypothetically applying for a parenting job, our resumes would look something like this:

PARENT’S RESUME

Seeking financially non-compensated, indefinite position that is challenging yet highly rewarding

BACKGROUND

 I always strive to do my best, fail miserably at times, but my persistence is admirable (there’s really no other choice). I may not have the solution for everything, but I’m willing to buy a book on “How to Be a Better Parent Because You Suck At It Right Now” or … continue to wing it and make it up as I go.

EXPERIENCE

(1) CEO of Leadership 2007 (Birth of 1st child) – current

Create multitude of charts that aid in the encouragement of positive behavior.

Sleep Deprived/Sleep Depriver

Good Intentions

In the rush of getting the kids into the van, to travel to three different places in order to make it to work on time, My middle son, notorious for wanting to play in the driver’s seat (much to my chagrin) had opened the driver’s side door.

I felt an instantaneous surge of discontent and as

Parenting Lessons: Take One

Our son gave me a funny look as he sat across the table from me. We were eating breakfast when he sneezed.

A huge glob of nasty nose fluid hung suspended in mid-air from the tip of his face.

He started to freak out. He cried as if the world were ending. He was on the brink of hysteria.

I sprang

10 Things Never to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

Tatiana Vdb

I’ve been there, done that, and now can share: Ten things you should never say to your pregnant wife.

1. Well yes, you are putting on weight! But to be fair to you, you haven’t trained in ages and have eaten whatever you wanted for six months. Given all that, you look okay.
2. While watching “One Born Every Minute”: “Oh my god, the stretch marks on that woman are horrendous. No amount of cream is getting rid of them!”
3. When the baby comes, it’ll be okay if I sleep in the spare room, so you can breastfeed and I can get some sleep, right?
4. When the baby comes, I’ll still be okay to go out a few nights a week with my friends, right?

5. Actually, now you mention it, I have noticed a few hormonal changes in you.

6. You don’t look pregnant in that dress, just a bit overweight, which is

30 Ways To Offend Your Toddler

After years of triggering tantrums from doing just about nothing, I’ve finally realized that toddlers are probably the most easily offended people on the planet. The general rule of thumb is to stay away controversial topics like religion and politics. To avoid offending toddlers, you have to stay away from a much broader spectrum of

The Definition of Insanity

 

There’s nothing sweeter or more rewarding than reading to kids. Or so I thought, until this happened:

My one year old brings a book over, saying “Hi Da-Da!” and wants to sit on my lap.

His book of choice: “Snuggle Puppy,” and I read it with spirit and enthusiasm. He loves it. When it’s over, he holds the book up and says, “More!”

Obviously I’m a hit. Sure.

Oh wait, what’s that?

You want to read Snuggle Puppy a third time?

Why sure! But this time I change up the voices, add some snaps to jazz it up and give him a huge raspberry to the neck for a spectacular grand finale to this Snuggle Puppy Trilogy … an encore Bruce Springsteen would envy.

Huh. I must be really good at this because now it’s all Snuggle Puppy, all the time.

A fourth reading has been strongly requested and of course I fulfill it. Obviously my award-winning raspberry-ending