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Category: funny

Happy New Year, Y’all!

New year child picture

Race You to the Bottom!

snow

Why You Are Not My Favorite Child

Fried-Parents-with-their-Top-Ten-Children

Our children insist we have a favorite child. I’ve explained countless times that there is no such thing. I’ve tried sharing that I, too, used to think my parents had a favorite, but now that I’m a parent… yada yada yada (they stop listening).

My husband’s favorite line is to tell one of our kids that they are “Top Ten.”

We have ten kids.

Now our lovely children enjoy debating who is in the Top Five. Sometimes one will call out a sibling saying, “You definitely made the Top Five today!” Others deem that they will remain bottom five always. It goes on and on. Honestly, it’s getting old.

So I have decided to tell my children how I really feel.

Dear Children,I’ve come to realize that none of you are my favorite and here’s why:

I’ve come to realize that none of you are my favorite and here’s why:

The reason why it takes me so

The Chips Fight

Photo by: Barbara Soul Flickr CC

 

Since we conceived our crying one year old, I’ve been very controlled about what I eat. I’m not a big meat eater but I force-fed myself protein the entire 41 weeks. Now, not one chip touches my lips due to my husband’s apparent need for them (he wipes out the pantry).

Today, I had broccoli and a

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Toddler Who Wants A Pony Toothbrush

Photo: Flickr CC: Krystian Olszanski

My daughter is very sweet. She’s downright precious. And I have had several people tell me how well-behaved she is and how happy, and they are right.

But she’s not always that way. She saves those moments for when it’s just me, her, and a couple hundred pairs of eyes at Walmart. She has thrown some

Once Upon a Time at the Department of Public Safety

Driver's License

This is a true story. (Cue the “Law and Order” music: DUN DUN!!!!)

This is my rendition of our trip to the Department of Public Safety.

Or as I commonly call it: Hades.

My daughter finished Driver’s Ed and had been driving with her permit for about a year. We were ready to take the final road test and get her license.

All my friends had given me advice. Somehow, Friend A just “walked on in” to this office and was out in 20 minutes. Friend B arrived very early to the Supercenter and was one of the first ten “walk-ins” so they were in and out quickly.

Apparently, I am Friend C, because I didn’t have this skip-into-the-office-with-a-basket-of-goodies-and-come-out-with-a-shiny-new-driver’s-license-for-my-child experience.

It began on the phone—not talking to anyone, mind you—just listening to ringing, busy signals and a system that tells you to press this and press that and then transfers you to an office in Botswana that

Momma’s Still Got It

Mamma's Still Got It

We had family members visiting but one afternoon I was tired and in need of a shower, so I stayed behind while the rest of the crew went on their way.
I took a shower and decided to lounge on the couch in the living room buck-naked. The shades were drawn. No one was expected to show up.

What I Won’t Get Done Today

motherhood

I never realized how difficult it could be to accomplish a simple task… until I had three kids. Every day the to-do list in my head gets swallowed up in the constant demands and responsibilities of caring for three little humans. And when I do finally manage to get something done, it seems to be almost instantly undone.

I tidy up one room, only to find a tsunami of Legos has been unleashed in the next. I finally finish the morning dishes and turn around to discover my 4-year-old playing chef with everything he can get a hold of in the pantry.

Kids also seem to have a radar for when you sit down to a computer to work, pay bills, etc. They can be perfectly entertained, but the moment you sneak away, prepare for all hell to break lose. And what about time for myself? That would consist of the brief

Trying It On for Size

A boy tries on a mustache made of gears.

A boy tries on a funny tiny mustache.

My Child’s Toys Are Holding Me Hostage

Photo: Marisa Svalstedt

As the mother of a two year old, I’ve accumulated a lot of toys.

When my daughter started favoring a certain toy I thought it was the most adorable thing.

Minnie Mouse was her world. When I heard her in her crib, crying for Minnie, instead of getting annoyed I smiled at how charming it was, and I happily went to reunite them.

Then things took a turn. We went on vacation and God help us if Minnie wasn’t with us every step of the way. We might be halfway across the resort but if it was discovered Minnie was left behind, it was pointless to continue any further; no one was going to have any fun until Minnie was tucked safely into my daughter’s tiny arms.

Minnie had a rough time at the beach. She returned home with a ripped bow, covered in dirt, and I had to sneak her into the washer

The Motherhood Tracksuits

Photo: Antoine K (Flickr CC)

My days as a first-time mother were magical, largely due to friends. I was late to motherhood, so I watched their postpartum pitfalls and planned to avoid them accordingly.

I developed a theory that self-preservation, not perfection, was the post-delivery theme. Cornerstone would be avoiding zippers. Hence, four size-large tracksuits constituted my postpartum trousseau.

The brown velour worked for mommy-and-me classes. The slimming black fit most occasions. The gray jersey was for homebound days. My favorite had cropped pants. This unexpected flair made it winter-spring transitional.

Pre-baby I did not find tracksuits appropriate for anything except, well, track events. But post-delivery, I discarded fashion norms.

I discarded other norms, too. Following wedding etiquette, I allowed a year to acknowledge baby presents. Meals requiring more than two pots were out. I noticed friends who were “productive” during babies’ naps were not fun or rested. Hence, I patterned my sleep schedule exactly to my preemie’s; I’d

Love in the Time of Rainbow Dash

Photo: Hina Ichigo (Flickr CC)

“She wants to dress up as Rainbow Dash for Halloween,” I explained to my wife about our four-year-old daughter’s request for a costume.

“What the hell is a Rainbow Bash?” she asked.

“Okay, first of all, it’s Rainbow Dash, not Bash,” I said in the tone of a petulant five year old. “A Rainbow Bash sounds like the after-party of a Pride parade. Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, is a Pegasus.”

“A what?” she asked.

“A Pegasus. A horse that can fly. They’re one of three species of horse that populate Ponyville.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I inhaled. “Ponyville is a town in the land of Equestria. Canterlot, of course, is the capital city of Equestria. Anyways, Ponyville is where Princess Celestia sent Twilight Sparkle, her prize student, to study and learn from the interactions among the residents and thus learn more about interpony relationships.”

“I understood four words from what you just

Why My House?

Photo: Mark Allen Cross (Flickr CC)

Why is it every kid in the neighborhood has to play at my house?

As I sit at my computer trying to focus, all I hear is the neighbor girl’s blood-curdling screams of joy while she chases my boys for a kiss or a touch. Go home. Better yet, go home forever and never come back.

I would say this to her but I don’t want to be responsible for her outpatient therapy in the future. I’ve told them all to play in the cul-de-sac or at her house but I’m pretty sure my kids are not allowed in her yard. Then again… they don’t WANT to play in her yard. She has a dog. I have sons and they are afraid of dogs. What did I eat while I was pregnant?

I don’t think other parents are dumb enough to let this go on every day.

Are we the fun parents on

Lost the Battle, Not the War!

Photo: Flickr CC: Krystian Olszanski

There I am. Standing in the budget section of the grocery store. Arms piled high in frozen dinners I’ll be lucky enough to enjoy, let alone cook, the remainder of the week. I’ve missed at least two shifts in two days of my two part time jobs, and these are the groceries this week. The

Poop Happens

Photo: Randy Chiu (Flickr CC)

I remember that night last October better than I recall what I had for lunch yesterday. I learned an invaluable lesson in mommyhood. If you are crouched next to the shower spraying poop off of your daughter’s behind, you should be mindful of where you rest your arm. Because if you accidentally lean into the

The Real Developmental Milestones of a Toddler

Photo by Donnie Ray Jones (Flickr CC)

Wondering if your child is keeping up with her peers? This simple assessment test will help you determine if your toddler is hitting all the appropriate developmental milestones, including wrecking mayhem.

Gross Motor Skills

Does your child:
a. Pull self up to stand
b. Pull self up to stand using sibling’s hair

Does your child:
a. Squat to pick up a toy
b. Squat to pick up dog poop

Does your child:
a. Walk independently
b. Walk independently into the middle of the street

Does your child:
a. Climb onto and down from couch or chair unsupported
b. Climb onto and down from a bookcase unsupported

Fine Motor Skills

Does your child:
a. Pick up a Cheerio with thumb/index finger
b. Pick up a Cheerio with thumb/index finger and shove it up his nose

Does your child:
a. Scribble spontaneously
b. Scribble spontaneously on floor with permanent marker

Does your child:
a. Stack four or more blocks
b. Stack four or more blocks wherever you are most likely to trip on them

Does your

Powdering the baby

Powdering the Baby

Picking Carrots

picking-carrotts-eating-small

Clear or Transparent

Kids & Tape

If I have to go to Walgreen’s one more time to buy tape I’ll strangle myself. I would strangle the kids but I’m not sure I have time to go to prison. I say the kids, because it’s they who steal my tape.

They tape everything. It’s on my new carpet, toothpicks, and all the army men. What the tape is supposed to do is beyond me. But okay. If they like it so much, I’ll just throw a couple of rolls into their Christmas stockings this year. Santa gives tape right?

While I’m at it, I’ll stop over to McDonald’s and speak to the manager about putting tape into the Happy Meals instead of useless, boring toys.

I’ve tried to hide the rolls of tape. The kids know every single one of my hiding spots though, so forget that. I need a high place, a high shelf that even they can’t reach. Wait a second… I can’t reach the LOW shelves either

How David Cassidy Influenced My Children’s Bilingual Education

https://www.flickr.com/photos/robphoto/2604969633/in/photolist

When I was in Junior High I read Tiger Beat (think People Magazine for 12-year-olds) cover to cover, going over the David Cassidy features at least three times before flipping through the rest.

I remember one article, though, about Jodie  Foster. It said she went to a school where they spoke only French. All reading assignments, testing, lunchtime conversation, etc. were in a foreign language.

Having taken a year or so of French—45 minutes every other day—I did not  believe this was possible. I assumed the story was as realistic as my shot at winning the Tiger Beat Dream Date with David Cassidy.

Actually, at 12, I likely thought I had a better chance of a date with David then Jodie did of speaking French all day, every day.

 When our oldest was getting ready for elementary school, I was surprised one of  our options was a Spanish Immersion program. All day,